lola (evamay) wrote,

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i am updating on what some say is my life.

i work 4-5 hours shifts just about every evening, 8 hours on saturday, and my usual 7 hours on sunday, which includes doing the books. i got my raise (still making crap though), but have yet to see full time, but thats ok, time will tell. i trained the night staff. i'm respected. and yet it's getting me nowhere.
i'm thinking about possibly going to massage therapy school. it's goal in life, right? and i think i could do it. i'm earily confident in wanting to go. but info has yet to reach the house, i emailed them a few nights ago. we shall see.

i'm still living at home. within the next year, i plan to move to my sister's condo, if funds go well. she'll be getting married and moving to royal oak with michael. i hope the condo plays out for me though, because it's a really nice place, right by work, i'd live alone, kitchen, washer/dryer, dishwasher, i can have chloe, *sigh*... hope for me

i've gained weight and looked at myself in the mirror the other day and though "god damnit, i'm fat again" i used to be "curvy", and i loved that. i'm kinda trying to cut back but.. i still love myself.. in a way.. and i feel almost hypocritical of myself. it's strange.
still have my faded burn/tan from vacation.
above all things personal, i wish my face wasn't pudgy. i hate gaining weight in my face.
i hop to trim down 10 or 20 pounds by susan's wedding. i'm sure susan will look amazing, and i dont want to be the fat sister. i'm slowly working on it. but god damnit i love food

the social life comes and goes. i'm rarely home any evening. i call and call and find something to do, someone to smoke with, some bar to hit up, if i actually have money. sometimes i'm in high demand. sometimes i wish someone would just throw me a bone. lately i dont want to be alone, no matter how unpleasant the company, but i've been doing better. whatever. i still have me.

yeah my health has been fading for a while. i run myself way too thin and end up sleeping whenever i can. i do it to myself half the time. i'm on medication that exhausts me anyway, plus weed, and staying out late, standing at work all shift, and of course.. you know all the sex i have... i've cut back on smoking. we'll see how that goes. money's too tight to buy things i dont need.

and thats the end, for those of you interested in what the hell is going on with me. i dont know if i'm really happy, or really depressed, because i'm so much in the middle that everything is ok.

it's weird.
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